Doing a Lot of Thinking

Watching Ruby (http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp) has me thinking about my weight quite a bit more than I have in a while. For a very long time I've thought about it only when something bothered me, when I noticed that I was large and cumbersome, or when something was hurting, but watching that show has me thinking about all of the excuses that I make and how lazy I am. I really don't want to get up and do anything and I'm really good at defeating myself. I had a doctor's appointment for chest pain on the right side yesterday and she said she thinks it's from stress and prescribed Wellbutrin. I'm not at all pleased about being medicated, but something has to give. I found out that I didn't gain any weight over the holidays which is good, but when the scale reads 274 there's nothing to celebrate. My highest recorded weight was 276 so I'm feeling pretty low these days, but that number won't change unless I make the effort, so I'm moving in that direction. Today my husband found a book called Savor, Mindful Eating, Mindful Life by Thich Nhat Hanh and I'm looking forward to reading it. The thing is, I've read many, many great books, it's the implementation that I fail at.

Food Journal

I can't find the journal I bought to keep track of my meals, so I'm going to post them until I find it. Today I had a sandwich for breakfast, two slices of thin sunflower wheat bread from BreadWorks, two slices of Tofurkey hickory-smoked faux turkey, and about a tablespoon of honey mustard dressing. I ate a red pear for a snack. For lunch I'm going to eat a handful of chips and some homemade guacamole. I drink tea with turbinado sugar. I'm trying to make sure I'm not thirsty when I feel hungry because I read that those two signals can get confused. I'm trying to stay in a good mental place about doing this, about changing the way I interact with food, because I know that I'm using it to numb myself.

It's been two years...

It sure doesn't feel like it's been that long! I spent the last year making excuses and resenting my husband. I've been watching documentaries and TV shows and I'm feeling inspired again. My very favorite is Ruby. I don't know what network it's on, I'm watching it on Netflix, but I recognize so much of her struggle and I'm trying to find my way back to being in a healthy place. It's so scary. I'm terrified that I'll start and stop again, like I have over and over, but if I don't start again I can't succeed! This is the beginning of yet another attempt. I'm going to find my food journal and lovingly work on myself, on making my body healthy, and on finding that happy person I knew when I thought I'd conquered my abusive childhood and found a loving relationship, and built the wonderful life I always wanted for myself. I have to say that I think 'happily ever after' movies are insidious and destructive. There's no such thing, life is ups and downs, achievements and failures, and it's that way from the beginning to the end. Yes, I had a wonderful period in my life when everything seemed to be going in the 'right' direction, but the fact that my life hit a bump doesn't mean that I'm a loser, it doesn't mean that my abusive childhood won, it means that I'm a human being just like everyone else. It means that I need to take responsibility for myself and make sure that I'm being true to myself and that I'm being the person I truly am at all times. The person I am isn't buried in 100 pounds of fat, and whether she's buried or not, she's worthy of love.

Back Again

It's been a long time since I posted and I have to admit that those days and weeks weren't successful ones, as far as weight management goes. I fell into a deeper funk and went back to my manic eating habits, kicking myself mentally every step of the way, which only made me do it more. About three weeks ago I watched Supersize Me for the first time and their mention of food addiction spurred the thought that I treat food like an addiction, so I decided to try again. I stopped eating chocolate cold turkey and the first four or five days were pretty rough. Every time I even thought of chocolate my mouth literally watered, and I realized how much I use food to distract me from the rest of my life. I feel like I'm floundering around at the bottom of the well and doing every conceivable thing other than just climbing out. I didn't realize how many excuses I make to myself. Excuses why I can't exercise, why I can't blog, why I can't accomplish much of anything, while life is passing me by. What kind of example is that for my son? I didn't make any formal resolutions, but I'm refocusing again and we'll see if I succeed.

I'm not in my happy place.

Yesterday I was at work and thinking that I really need to get back to exercising. I was in a pretty good mood, right up until I went to the restroom and someone that I've seen around before, but don't personally know, asked me when the 'big event' was. I was stunned. I acted like I didn't hear her and left the restroom, but I could feel the swell of hysteria bubbling up. I held it off until I left work and met my husband in a parking lot to switch cars, at which point I burst into tears and sobbed. The thing is, I can't be outraged. I can't be angry. There is no denying that the way I carry my weight makes me appear to be pregnant, so I can't exactly get mad at the woman for saying something that was just meant to show an interest.

Trouble is, I can't seem to get out of my funk. I couldn't sleep last night and today I'm under a black cloud, no matter how much I try to pull myself out of it. I didn't go to Curves today because I didn't have the energy, even though I logically know that if that's the stick I use to measure I'll never go back to Curves, because when I stop exercising my energy level drops off to nothing. And so my new task is to dredge up the energy to start yet again...

*sigh*

Checking In After a Long Silence

Date	10/12/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	N/A
Blood Pressure	N/A
Bust	43
Waist	39.5
Abdomen	44.5
Hips	50
Thighs	24
Arms	12.5
Weight	238
Body Fat	43.6%
BMI	39.6

I was shocked to see that I'd lost both weight and inches! Walking seems to have awakened my metabolism and even though I feel like I'm as big and flabby as ever, it seems that the scale and tape measure say differently! I'm really happy about that and I'm hoping to find inspiration in my success.

I'm thinking about what I eat and trying not to beat myself up too badly when I falter. I'm still staying up too late so that's my next goal, and I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the mental challenges of weight loss. I know I've said it before, but I really wish that Curves offered weight loss counseling.

On the Low End of the Cycle

I'm really fighting my self-sabotage. Well, I'm trying at least. If I'm honest, I'm not winning that battle all that often. I've reached the point where weight loss feels like an impossible slog and I'm getting rather self-destructive about it all: staying up late, eating too much, eating the wrong things, being sedentary instead of active, and I know where those things lead. Hell, I carry around 100 extra pounds thanks to making those choices for too many years.

It seems so impossible, so hopeless, and I'm tired of riding this roller coaster. Trouble is, I know what happens if I stop trying... it's all downhill from there. So what needs to happen?

1. Exercise every day, preferably more than once (walk, play EA Sports Active, go to Curves, play Wii Fit)
2. Brush the horses every day, weather permitting
3. Spend 60 minutes every day working on cleaning the house
4. Pause to think before eating
5. Eat when hungry and not until full
6. Go to bed by 11 most nights
7. Drink more water

That's where I plan to start.