Interesting Link

My husband sent me an interesting link that got me thinking.

Craving Research

I'm not sure my mind works this way, I seem to be pretty strongly influenced by hormones. When I'm PMS'ing I want to eat everything in site! But I'm going to give this a try and see if it has any affect.

Walking this morning

This morning I walked 13 laps, 1 warm-up, 2 laps of running the straights and walking the curves, and then 9 laps of interval training (walking fast 1 minute, then slow 30 seconds) thanks to the new Ironman watch that I got Saturday, then 1 lap of cool-down. I sure feel like I worked harder! My legs are warm and twitching in a way that makes me feel like I did something physically intense, and I'd forgotten how wonderful it feels!

Weigh-in

Today when I went to Curves I weighed myself and I have to say, I was very pleased... 244! Even as the little voice in the back of my mind mocks me for weighing such a ridiculous amount, I feel happy, I feel successful, and I'm not going to let that damned little voice break my stride. Saturday I got a watch with a lap and interval timer, so I'm looking forward to using it in the morning.

My relationship with food

My relationship with food is a convoluted topic. For so many years I denied being an emotional eater, I told myself that I could stop whenever I wanted to, and I subconsciously numbed myself with sugar. I've never been one to eat much fat, but a couple of years ago I read a book about sugar addiction and kept a food diary for all of a week or so and realized that I really was drugging myself with food. That doesn't mean I stopped doing it, that would be too easy, instead I used it as yet another thing to bludgeon myself with when I failed, when I indulged, and the cycle continued.

Something changed inside of me last weekend. Something shifted, something of the magnitude of a tectonic plate shifting, and I found myself looking at food calmly. It's not that I don't want to eat a dozen dark chocolate covered almonds, it's that I look at them as fuel and realize that they're an impure form, it's like putting chemical additives in my gas tank, which I do very hesitantly and with extreme caution. Why do I treat my car better than I treat myself? I wonder if my perception of food will shift back but I'm not pressuring myself about it. If I feel the old cravings cropping up I'm trying very hard to pull them into the forefront and examine them, then deal with them in a way that reflects my love for myself. I find myself drifting off to sleep whispering, "I love you", to myself, and it's strangely soothing. For so many years I've been incredibly self-absorbed by beating myself up, punishing myself for not being beautiful or being too fat; wanting to be a warm and loving person even as I lost myself in the vicious cycle of self-sabotage that put a thick layer of fat over my female form.

Three years ago I was 61 pounds thinner than I'd been in quite a few years, but even as I shed the weight my inner voice was taunting, "It won't last... you'll fail again, because you're a fat ass", and I had a strong fear reaction and suppressed it instead of looking it in the face and dealing with it. I'm sure there are many reasons I gained most of that weight back, but the moment that felt like the turning point happened when I visited my oldest son at the behavioral modification program we sent him to in Florida. He was away for a year and during that time I shed those pounds slowly and steadily, even as I spent more and more energy suppressing my self-sabotage. I took him to Subway and as we left he said, "Mom, that guy was totally checking you out". I remember it well... my mind skipped like a dull needle over a damaged album and a strange mix of feelings welled up inside of me: apprehension, doubt, fear, alarm... but the doubt wasn't about whether or not he was checking me out, it was about whether or not I deserved such attention. The dam broke, and suddenly I was back to my emotional-eating, self-sabotaging self, after having been the biggest loser on the wall of weight and inches lost in the Curves that I worked out in.

I realized this week that I don't have that niggling voice this time. I'm nurturing myself, loving myself, and if that voice pops up I take it in my arms like a crying child and hold it until it feels better.

Self-sabotage

Thursday I got up and walked and I went to Curves Monday, Wednesday, and Friday! I'm proud of myself, and this morning I'm blogging because I have ten extra minutes before I have to leave for my 4 Miler Training Program.

I've been having a lot of epiphanies lately, which is great, but it's taking a fair bit of work not to give in to my tendency to sabotage myself. I was sitting in Taco Bell watching my husband and son enjoy their food when I realized that I don't have to eat everything in front of me, so I didn't. That seems like such a simple realization, it's not like I haven't read it hundreds of time, heard it dozens of times, but for some reason I realized that it's true for ME.

I realized that the reason I struggle so much with thinking about what goes in my mouth is because I'm an emotional eater and sub-consciously I want the mellow, mindless feeling that eating sugar gives me. I haven't eaten more than four dark chocolate almonds in the past week and I feel great, strong, empowered, and best of all I don't feel like I'm depriving myself. I feel like I'm loving myself. In the past I've talked myself out of it with, "That's selfish, why are you so worthy of all of this concern?", but suddenly I realize why I'm worthy of it... because I am. There doesn't have to be a grand explanation, a mark on history to last the ages, I'm simply worth that to myself. In the past I made it about other people, "I want to see my grandchildren... I want to grow old with my husband", and those things are still true, but now I've added a new one, "I want to be healthy."

Strange that I waited until turning 40 to realize that I'm worth the effort of fitness, the time commitment, and suddenly I'm looking around and realizing that I've been asleep. The house is a shambles, the yard doesn't look like it belongs to someone who cares about it, and I realize that I've been drowning for six years and am only now surfacing. I've danced around that realization before but I've always pushed myself back under, avoided it, gone back to sleep... but not this time. This time I'm awakening and I want to embrace the day, I want to tackle the things that have been neglected and feel pride in my home again. I want my kids to be able to invite friends over without embarrassment.

I know that I'm a creature of cycles and I'm at the top of the arc right now. Having these words here when I'm on the downswing will hopefully help me to keep things in focus. I'm awake and I'm aware and I don't feel as if I'm clinging to that fact desperately, which hasn't happened in a decade.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Today I got up at 5:30 and went up to the high school track to walk! I'm all happy with myself, which is a wonderful feeling. I gave myself a pep talk when I got there and I got it done, and now I'm sitting here eating an apple feeling like an actual female, my thigh muscles twinging and warm, memories of feeling like a fat blob in my rear view mirror. I know I'll get there again, I'm not quite that much of an optimist, but I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to.

I went to the doctor yesterday and my pulse and blood pressure were great and I broke a barrier... I'm finally below 250! I weighed 248 :D I was giddy when I saw that! We even checked it on both scales, just to be sure, and when I checked it at Curves it measured a pound less. Last week I got measured at Curves, here are my measurements.

Date	7/29/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	N/A
Blood Pressure	N/A
Bust	45.5
Waist	43.75
Abdomen	51
Hips	54
Thighs	26
Arms	14
Weight	254
Body Fat	45.5%
BMI	42.3

When I got measured it took me a minute to get things into perspective, because I was so sure that I'd be under 250. I stood there looking at the paper, running things through my mind, noting that some of the numbers were smaller, and I realized that those numbers don't define me as a person. Sure, I want them smaller, hell, I want them MUCH smaller! But what's the point of whining and bingeing and defeating myself just because they're not what I want them to be? There isn't one, and when I'm craving something fattening I cling to that fact pretty tightly.

This morning I walked 10 laps, which is 2.5 miles. Here's what I did.

Date	8/4/09
Lap 1	warm-up
Lap 2	ran straights, walked curves
Lap 3	ran straights, walked curves
Lap 4	ran straights, walked curves
Lap 5	ran straights, walked curves
Lap 6	fast-walked straights, walked curves
Lap 7	fast-walked 1 straight & curve, walked 1 straight & curve
Lap 8	fast-walked 1 straight & curve, walked 1 straight & curve
Lap 9	fast-walked
Lap 10	cool down

I'm trying to be very careful with my joints, because logic says that running at this weight puts quite a strain on them, which I don't want to do.

I'm really trying to love myself more. When I eat I'm conscious of how much I'm eating and I'm asking myself if I'm really hungry, which has reduced my food intake by more than I would have thought possible. I'm not starving myself, I'm just eating reasonable portions. For example, my treat is dark chocolate covered almonds, I love them! I used to eat ten or twelve at a time, if I was even counting, and now I eat 6, and even 4 last night. I'm stopping when I've had a taste instead of filling up and it feels really good!

I also know myself, and I'm a very cyclical creature. I cycle with the seasons, with my period, I'm just wired that way, so I'm going to really try to come back and read posts like this when I'm a low point.

I hope everyone is finding success and loving themselves! Your comments are wonderful and make me feel like I'm not alone.