Back Again

It's been a long time since I posted and I have to admit that those days and weeks weren't successful ones, as far as weight management goes. I fell into a deeper funk and went back to my manic eating habits, kicking myself mentally every step of the way, which only made me do it more. About three weeks ago I watched Supersize Me for the first time and their mention of food addiction spurred the thought that I treat food like an addiction, so I decided to try again. I stopped eating chocolate cold turkey and the first four or five days were pretty rough. Every time I even thought of chocolate my mouth literally watered, and I realized how much I use food to distract me from the rest of my life. I feel like I'm floundering around at the bottom of the well and doing every conceivable thing other than just climbing out. I didn't realize how many excuses I make to myself. Excuses why I can't exercise, why I can't blog, why I can't accomplish much of anything, while life is passing me by. What kind of example is that for my son? I didn't make any formal resolutions, but I'm refocusing again and we'll see if I succeed.

I'm not in my happy place.

Yesterday I was at work and thinking that I really need to get back to exercising. I was in a pretty good mood, right up until I went to the restroom and someone that I've seen around before, but don't personally know, asked me when the 'big event' was. I was stunned. I acted like I didn't hear her and left the restroom, but I could feel the swell of hysteria bubbling up. I held it off until I left work and met my husband in a parking lot to switch cars, at which point I burst into tears and sobbed. The thing is, I can't be outraged. I can't be angry. There is no denying that the way I carry my weight makes me appear to be pregnant, so I can't exactly get mad at the woman for saying something that was just meant to show an interest.

Trouble is, I can't seem to get out of my funk. I couldn't sleep last night and today I'm under a black cloud, no matter how much I try to pull myself out of it. I didn't go to Curves today because I didn't have the energy, even though I logically know that if that's the stick I use to measure I'll never go back to Curves, because when I stop exercising my energy level drops off to nothing. And so my new task is to dredge up the energy to start yet again...

*sigh*

Checking In After a Long Silence

Date	10/12/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	N/A
Blood Pressure	N/A
Bust	43
Waist	39.5
Abdomen	44.5
Hips	50
Thighs	24
Arms	12.5
Weight	238
Body Fat	43.6%
BMI	39.6

I was shocked to see that I'd lost both weight and inches! Walking seems to have awakened my metabolism and even though I feel like I'm as big and flabby as ever, it seems that the scale and tape measure say differently! I'm really happy about that and I'm hoping to find inspiration in my success.

I'm thinking about what I eat and trying not to beat myself up too badly when I falter. I'm still staying up too late so that's my next goal, and I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the mental challenges of weight loss. I know I've said it before, but I really wish that Curves offered weight loss counseling.

On the Low End of the Cycle

I'm really fighting my self-sabotage. Well, I'm trying at least. If I'm honest, I'm not winning that battle all that often. I've reached the point where weight loss feels like an impossible slog and I'm getting rather self-destructive about it all: staying up late, eating too much, eating the wrong things, being sedentary instead of active, and I know where those things lead. Hell, I carry around 100 extra pounds thanks to making those choices for too many years.

It seems so impossible, so hopeless, and I'm tired of riding this roller coaster. Trouble is, I know what happens if I stop trying... it's all downhill from there. So what needs to happen?

1. Exercise every day, preferably more than once (walk, play EA Sports Active, go to Curves, play Wii Fit)
2. Brush the horses every day, weather permitting
3. Spend 60 minutes every day working on cleaning the house
4. Pause to think before eating
5. Eat when hungry and not until full
6. Go to bed by 11 most nights
7. Drink more water

That's where I plan to start.

Interesting Link

My husband sent me an interesting link that got me thinking.

Craving Research

I'm not sure my mind works this way, I seem to be pretty strongly influenced by hormones. When I'm PMS'ing I want to eat everything in site! But I'm going to give this a try and see if it has any affect.

Walking this morning

This morning I walked 13 laps, 1 warm-up, 2 laps of running the straights and walking the curves, and then 9 laps of interval training (walking fast 1 minute, then slow 30 seconds) thanks to the new Ironman watch that I got Saturday, then 1 lap of cool-down. I sure feel like I worked harder! My legs are warm and twitching in a way that makes me feel like I did something physically intense, and I'd forgotten how wonderful it feels!

Weigh-in

Today when I went to Curves I weighed myself and I have to say, I was very pleased... 244! Even as the little voice in the back of my mind mocks me for weighing such a ridiculous amount, I feel happy, I feel successful, and I'm not going to let that damned little voice break my stride. Saturday I got a watch with a lap and interval timer, so I'm looking forward to using it in the morning.