Today I'm feeling sad. I feel so bulbous and grotesque. I feel disgusted at myself for being so lazy that I let this happen, and more than anything I just feel defeated. Yesterday was an emotional day and I think it's because I'm facing what I've done to my body. I'm facing the fact that even if I lose the weight, which will take years if I do it in a healthy way, my skin will never be right and my arms and legs will never be shapely. I'm having a really hard time with my lack of self-esteem and my rage that I can't just fix this. It's spilling over into other things. I'm hiding out at work instead of getting involved in things, since one of my coworkers who was so vocal and over the top when I lost 61 pounds spent a month or so trying to figure out how to look me in the eye again when I gained most of it back. Can I blame her? No, I can't. What do you say to someone who balloons back up and gets fat in places they weren't even carrying weight before? If anyone figures that one out I'd love to know the answer.
Today I'm having a pity party and I guess that I figure dumping it all out here will help me to get over myself and go do what needs to be done.
Today I'm having a pity party and I guess that I figure dumping it all out here will help me to get over myself and go do what needs to be done.
Hi! I tried to find your name in your profile, but you did't mention it. I read your blog and see that you are starting your journey. And it seems to be for another round. We have all been there. I have been there so many times. I, too, at one point had lost 75 lbs only to gain back almost 50 lbs. I know how you feel!! I truly do. My self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence were all in the toilet. I had none!! It is so hard to restart a journey once you've fallen off. But you cannot continue this self-sabatoge and negative talking!!!! How will you stay motivated and determined if you keep knocking yourself down?????
ReplyDeleteI am a member of Weight Watchers. Have been off and on all my life. Finally, I rejoined 6 years ago and have stayed with it. And within that time, I stopped and gained back the almost 50 lbs. Talk about embarrassment when I finally went back! But I did it and am so glad. I have learned that we cannot look back at where we were. We can only look forward and keep focused. Take it one day at a time....one meal at a time. Take time for yourself to recharge. And keep moving!! I started with Curves too and loved it. I was also a big-time fan of walking. That was my escape from being a mom of 2 boys. That was my time to just walk the neighbor and reflect on what my goals were. It was time that I really enjoyed by myself. I'm sure living on a small farm in rural VA, you have beautiful roads to walk. Start out one step at a time and do a little more each week.
You will be there!! You'll see!! Time goes quick and before you know it, you'll see dramatic changes. And remember, the scale isn't the only measurement for weight loss and getting fit. It's how you feel...how much stamina you have gained...how your clothes feel.
Stay positive. Think positive. Love yourself. It's your body. Accept it. Be the best you can. I look forward to following your journey. You will get there. And if the Dunkin Donuts bothers you to ride by....find another route home. :)
Take care. Stay strong. Be positive.
Diana
Thank you so much for your comment *hug* It really helps to know that others have gone through the same things and a few days ago I did a search for blogs and found some of them blogging as well! Reading my posts so far I realize that I post when I'm down, so I'll try to post when I'm up sometimes too :) Times like now I'm able to see that the past doesn't matter and I just have to keep plugging along. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so right....the past doesn't matter. You can't change it. I collect quotes and one of my favorites is:
ReplyDelete"While no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”
Accept where you are now and look forward to making that brand new ending. Do it for YOU first!! 90% of being successful is having a positive outlook. Talk positive. You can do it!
There's alot of great people out there blogging. I get alot of inspiration from people who blog about their journeys. Keep searching blogs and find the inspiration to help you. You are not alone....and never will be.
Take one step at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time. You'll get there!!
Have a great evening,
Diana
I am a friend of Diana's (above) and she told me about your blog. Diana and I have been friends here for quite some time and have been on this up and down weight loss journey for a long time too. I don't really update my blog much anymore but I am on Facebook (Jeanne Haller-Rodrigues) I hope you don't mind me following you here and commenting. I find that it's always good to have friends while we struggle on this weight loss journey! The most important thing to remember....it's hard, and you will have ups and downs. The most important thing is that you NEVER, EVER give up!
ReplyDelete((hugs))
Jeanne
I'm new to the blog world and just found your blog. It is so great to see you get back on the wagon. we all have those kinds of days and they show us just how strong we really are :) I look forward to keeping up with your journey and wish you luck!
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