Today I'm feeling good. Yesterday, however, was a different story. The path to no longer being obese is not a pleasant one, no matter how fluffy a face some TV personalities want to put on it. I've been going to Curves and even after missing once I went back, which is progress for me. I also started the Women's 4-Miler Training Program Saturday morning and I'm feeling good about that, even if one of my shoes was laced too tight and caused a sore foot. Before I continue, though, let me share what happened yesterday.
In every weight loss attempt I've struggled with my penchant for self-flagellation and it seems this one is going to be no different. I didn't sleep particularly well the night before and I'm not sure why, but when I got out of bed at about 9:30 I felt huge. My foot muscle was still sore and I was feeling every fat roll, every movement of extra rolls when I moved, every fold caused by loose skin... it was very unpleasant. Because of my dead thyroid gland (it's never worked in my life) I've had a built in excuse, "I have to work so much harder than everyone else!", and I've used it plenty of times. I still have pangs of anger when I think about the fact that my metabolism is slower because of that dead gland, but I'm not going to let that defeat me.
Yesterday was one of those days when I hated the fat that's layered on my body and wished that I could just take a scalpel and cut it all away because it's constant evidence of how weak and lazy I've been. Is that a true statement? It was yesterday. Today I can cushion it in less emotive terms and feel less intensely about it, but there's no denying the fact that I've been lazy. There's no denying the fact that I've eaten things that were flat out unhealthy for me and been fully aware of it as I did so. There is, however, the fact that I can't fix this immediately and need to give myself some time to make some changes. Even as I type that sentence there's an evil little voice in the back of my mind whispering, "You wouldn't be in this predicament if you weren't lazy and slovenly." I can't say that isn't true, but I can say that isn't going to control my life anymore.
I've been back at Curves for almost two months now and I have to say, I think they would be head and shoulders above everyone else if they'd offer weight loss counseling. I can't believe the mental olympics I go through to get myself in there and keep myself going, even to the point of having to pep talk myself into not skipping machines. Trouble is, that starts a vicious cycle of self-recriminations because I'm weak, fat, gross, pick-your-derogatory-term, and I'm struggling with that multiple times a day right now. This morning I got up and was going to go to work, but instead I put on exercise clothes and walked the high school track before work. I feel very good about having done so and I'm going to keep plugging along, hoping to one day see myself in a mirror and see an actual change in my many bulges and folds.
In every weight loss attempt I've struggled with my penchant for self-flagellation and it seems this one is going to be no different. I didn't sleep particularly well the night before and I'm not sure why, but when I got out of bed at about 9:30 I felt huge. My foot muscle was still sore and I was feeling every fat roll, every movement of extra rolls when I moved, every fold caused by loose skin... it was very unpleasant. Because of my dead thyroid gland (it's never worked in my life) I've had a built in excuse, "I have to work so much harder than everyone else!", and I've used it plenty of times. I still have pangs of anger when I think about the fact that my metabolism is slower because of that dead gland, but I'm not going to let that defeat me.
Yesterday was one of those days when I hated the fat that's layered on my body and wished that I could just take a scalpel and cut it all away because it's constant evidence of how weak and lazy I've been. Is that a true statement? It was yesterday. Today I can cushion it in less emotive terms and feel less intensely about it, but there's no denying the fact that I've been lazy. There's no denying the fact that I've eaten things that were flat out unhealthy for me and been fully aware of it as I did so. There is, however, the fact that I can't fix this immediately and need to give myself some time to make some changes. Even as I type that sentence there's an evil little voice in the back of my mind whispering, "You wouldn't be in this predicament if you weren't lazy and slovenly." I can't say that isn't true, but I can say that isn't going to control my life anymore.
I've been back at Curves for almost two months now and I have to say, I think they would be head and shoulders above everyone else if they'd offer weight loss counseling. I can't believe the mental olympics I go through to get myself in there and keep myself going, even to the point of having to pep talk myself into not skipping machines. Trouble is, that starts a vicious cycle of self-recriminations because I'm weak, fat, gross, pick-your-derogatory-term, and I'm struggling with that multiple times a day right now. This morning I got up and was going to go to work, but instead I put on exercise clothes and walked the high school track before work. I feel very good about having done so and I'm going to keep plugging along, hoping to one day see myself in a mirror and see an actual change in my many bulges and folds.
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