Curves and Walking

Today I'm feeling good. Yesterday, however, was a different story. The path to no longer being obese is not a pleasant one, no matter how fluffy a face some TV personalities want to put on it. I've been going to Curves and even after missing once I went back, which is progress for me. I also started the Women's 4-Miler Training Program Saturday morning and I'm feeling good about that, even if one of my shoes was laced too tight and caused a sore foot. Before I continue, though, let me share what happened yesterday.

In every weight loss attempt I've struggled with my penchant for self-flagellation and it seems this one is going to be no different. I didn't sleep particularly well the night before and I'm not sure why, but when I got out of bed at about 9:30 I felt huge. My foot muscle was still sore and I was feeling every fat roll, every movement of extra rolls when I moved, every fold caused by loose skin... it was very unpleasant. Because of my dead thyroid gland (it's never worked in my life) I've had a built in excuse, "I have to work so much harder than everyone else!", and I've used it plenty of times. I still have pangs of anger when I think about the fact that my metabolism is slower because of that dead gland, but I'm not going to let that defeat me.

Yesterday was one of those days when I hated the fat that's layered on my body and wished that I could just take a scalpel and cut it all away because it's constant evidence of how weak and lazy I've been. Is that a true statement? It was yesterday. Today I can cushion it in less emotive terms and feel less intensely about it, but there's no denying the fact that I've been lazy. There's no denying the fact that I've eaten things that were flat out unhealthy for me and been fully aware of it as I did so. There is, however, the fact that I can't fix this immediately and need to give myself some time to make some changes. Even as I type that sentence there's an evil little voice in the back of my mind whispering, "You wouldn't be in this predicament if you weren't lazy and slovenly." I can't say that isn't true, but I can say that isn't going to control my life anymore.

I've been back at Curves for almost two months now and I have to say, I think they would be head and shoulders above everyone else if they'd offer weight loss counseling. I can't believe the mental olympics I go through to get myself in there and keep myself going, even to the point of having to pep talk myself into not skipping machines. Trouble is, that starts a vicious cycle of self-recriminations because I'm weak, fat, gross, pick-your-derogatory-term, and I'm struggling with that multiple times a day right now. This morning I got up and was going to go to work, but instead I put on exercise clothes and walked the high school track before work. I feel very good about having done so and I'm going to keep plugging along, hoping to one day see myself in a mirror and see an actual change in my many bulges and folds.

One Week

It's been a week since I went back to Curves. I went Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and again today, although today I had to force myself to go. It feels insurmountable, as if nothing I do will make an appreciable difference, so I'm coming at it from the approach of improving my health. I'm going to sign up for the Women's 4 Miler Training Program tonight because I need to find other things to do for exercise. There are so many reasons that I need to exercise regularly and over the last week a couple of major reasons have come to light. I'm more conscious of the extra weight and as it gets warmer the discomfort of having overlapping skin is becoming more obvious, although I think the worst thing of all is that I can't properly reach my own behind to wipe it. It's a horrible feeling, especially considering that I clearly remember when I didn't have this problem. When I gained back the 61 pounds I'd lost I put weight on in places that had never been heavy. When something as fundamental as using the restroom becomes a chore it's definitely time to do something!

Another New Beginning

My struggle with my weight has gotten worse as I've gotten older, which happens to so many women. I have a complicating factor, though... I was born with a dead thyroid gland. My weight has always been an issue, or more to the point that I gain it very easily if I'm not really active. I used to ride horses and that kept me strong and muscular, even as a padding of fat appeared over top of it. A couple of years ago, though, I discovered that I have a bulging disc and gave up riding because of the risk of rupturing that disc.

Part of my weight problem, though, is my tendency to self-sabotage. I can talk myself out of doing exercise, I can make excuses like a pro, and when the rubber hits the road I can disconnect my logical mind and do what feels good, even as I loathe myself for my weakness. I wonder if this happens to others. The only real exposure I have to people in similar situations weight-wise is at work, where it seems pretty inappropriate to bring the topic up.

In 2004 I joined Curves when it opened in the small town where I live and over the next year and a half, I went from weighing 273 pounds to weighing 212, a 61 pound loss. I had a workout partner during most of it, but she quit about the time that my hands started feeling as if they were being crushed due to nerve that was being pinched by my bulging disc.

This Monday I returned to Curves. On Wednesday I was measured and my measurements were:

Date	5/6/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	81
Blood Pressure	116/82
Bust	49
Waist	49.5
Abdomen	55.5
Hips	56.5
Thighs	26
Arms	14
Weight	266
Body Fat	46.3%
BMI	44.3

I'm going to post my results each month when I get weighed and measured, and I'm also going to share how I'm feeling about this process as I go through it. Over the last couple of days I've had to literally argue with myself about driving past fast food and gas stations, to the point that I've found myself in tears a couple of times. Part of me desperately wants to sabotage this again, to chalk it up to my dead thyroid and sit on my butt and eat myself to death. I was in the grocery store and saw a magazine cover with Kirstie Alley on it and they were making a huge deal of her being so huge at 238. I almost cried right there in the grocery store. I'm not sure why this process is so emotional for me, but I suspect it's because it stirs up deep-seated insecurities.

This begins my chronicle of trying again.