Another New Beginning

My struggle with my weight has gotten worse as I've gotten older, which happens to so many women. I have a complicating factor, though... I was born with a dead thyroid gland. My weight has always been an issue, or more to the point that I gain it very easily if I'm not really active. I used to ride horses and that kept me strong and muscular, even as a padding of fat appeared over top of it. A couple of years ago, though, I discovered that I have a bulging disc and gave up riding because of the risk of rupturing that disc.

Part of my weight problem, though, is my tendency to self-sabotage. I can talk myself out of doing exercise, I can make excuses like a pro, and when the rubber hits the road I can disconnect my logical mind and do what feels good, even as I loathe myself for my weakness. I wonder if this happens to others. The only real exposure I have to people in similar situations weight-wise is at work, where it seems pretty inappropriate to bring the topic up.

In 2004 I joined Curves when it opened in the small town where I live and over the next year and a half, I went from weighing 273 pounds to weighing 212, a 61 pound loss. I had a workout partner during most of it, but she quit about the time that my hands started feeling as if they were being crushed due to nerve that was being pinched by my bulging disc.

This Monday I returned to Curves. On Wednesday I was measured and my measurements were:

Date	5/6/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	81
Blood Pressure	116/82
Bust	49
Waist	49.5
Abdomen	55.5
Hips	56.5
Thighs	26
Arms	14
Weight	266
Body Fat	46.3%
BMI	44.3

I'm going to post my results each month when I get weighed and measured, and I'm also going to share how I'm feeling about this process as I go through it. Over the last couple of days I've had to literally argue with myself about driving past fast food and gas stations, to the point that I've found myself in tears a couple of times. Part of me desperately wants to sabotage this again, to chalk it up to my dead thyroid and sit on my butt and eat myself to death. I was in the grocery store and saw a magazine cover with Kirstie Alley on it and they were making a huge deal of her being so huge at 238. I almost cried right there in the grocery store. I'm not sure why this process is so emotional for me, but I suspect it's because it stirs up deep-seated insecurities.

This begins my chronicle of trying again.