Rough Day

Today I'm feeling sad.  I feel so bulbous and grotesque.  I feel disgusted at myself for being so lazy that I let this happen, and more than anything I just feel defeated.  Yesterday was an emotional day and I think it's because I'm facing what I've done to my body.  I'm facing the fact that even if I lose the weight, which will take years if I do it in a healthy way, my skin will never be right and my arms and legs will never be shapely.  I'm having a really hard time with my lack of self-esteem and my rage that I can't just fix this.  It's spilling over into other things.  I'm hiding out at work instead of getting involved in things, since one of my coworkers who was so vocal and over the top when I lost 61 pounds spent a month or so trying to figure out how to look me in the eye again when I gained most of it back.  Can I blame her?  No, I can't.  What do you say to someone who balloons back up and gets fat in places they weren't even carrying weight before?  If anyone figures that one out I'd love to know the answer.

Today I'm having a pity party and I guess that I figure dumping it all out here will help me to get over myself and go do what needs to be done.

Curves and Walking

Today I'm feeling good. Yesterday, however, was a different story. The path to no longer being obese is not a pleasant one, no matter how fluffy a face some TV personalities want to put on it. I've been going to Curves and even after missing once I went back, which is progress for me. I also started the Women's 4-Miler Training Program Saturday morning and I'm feeling good about that, even if one of my shoes was laced too tight and caused a sore foot. Before I continue, though, let me share what happened yesterday.

In every weight loss attempt I've struggled with my penchant for self-flagellation and it seems this one is going to be no different. I didn't sleep particularly well the night before and I'm not sure why, but when I got out of bed at about 9:30 I felt huge. My foot muscle was still sore and I was feeling every fat roll, every movement of extra rolls when I moved, every fold caused by loose skin... it was very unpleasant. Because of my dead thyroid gland (it's never worked in my life) I've had a built in excuse, "I have to work so much harder than everyone else!", and I've used it plenty of times. I still have pangs of anger when I think about the fact that my metabolism is slower because of that dead gland, but I'm not going to let that defeat me.

Yesterday was one of those days when I hated the fat that's layered on my body and wished that I could just take a scalpel and cut it all away because it's constant evidence of how weak and lazy I've been. Is that a true statement? It was yesterday. Today I can cushion it in less emotive terms and feel less intensely about it, but there's no denying the fact that I've been lazy. There's no denying the fact that I've eaten things that were flat out unhealthy for me and been fully aware of it as I did so. There is, however, the fact that I can't fix this immediately and need to give myself some time to make some changes. Even as I type that sentence there's an evil little voice in the back of my mind whispering, "You wouldn't be in this predicament if you weren't lazy and slovenly." I can't say that isn't true, but I can say that isn't going to control my life anymore.

I've been back at Curves for almost two months now and I have to say, I think they would be head and shoulders above everyone else if they'd offer weight loss counseling. I can't believe the mental olympics I go through to get myself in there and keep myself going, even to the point of having to pep talk myself into not skipping machines. Trouble is, that starts a vicious cycle of self-recriminations because I'm weak, fat, gross, pick-your-derogatory-term, and I'm struggling with that multiple times a day right now. This morning I got up and was going to go to work, but instead I put on exercise clothes and walked the high school track before work. I feel very good about having done so and I'm going to keep plugging along, hoping to one day see myself in a mirror and see an actual change in my many bulges and folds.

My first measurement and weigh-in

Today was my first measurement and weigh-in. I haven't missed a week of going three times, although due to the fact they were closed on Memorial Day I went an extra day without working out once. I'm really pleased with my progress and I'm trying very hard to be aware of my sabotaging tendencies that are whispering, "It can't last, just like last time you'll gain it all back.", so they don't gain any power over me.

Here are today's results:

Date	6/1/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	N/A
Blood Pressure	N/A
Bust	47.5
Waist	46
Abdomen	51
Hips	54.5
Thighs	26
Arms	14
Weight	258
Body Fat	45.4%
BMI	42.9

My emotions haven't been running as high lately, and I suspect that's partially because I've been more active. I'm trying to do something each day that makes me feel like I've accomplished something, such as watering the garden and hanging the laundry on the line. It's hard to believe just how inactive I'd become.

I read an article a few days ago about a man in England who used to be an underwear model and has gained something like 60 pounds so that he can better understand the situation his clients are in (he's a personal trainer now). I don't know why it surprised me when he said that he felt depressed, embarrassed about going out in public, lethargic, etc., but somehow that made me feel better about my struggles. I'm trying so hard not to defeat myself and it's getting easier to pass up fast food and the donut shop. When I have a craving I eat a couple of dark chocolate covered almonds. I'm not passing up dessert, but I'm managing my portions and so far so good.