I'm not in my happy place.

Yesterday I was at work and thinking that I really need to get back to exercising. I was in a pretty good mood, right up until I went to the restroom and someone that I've seen around before, but don't personally know, asked me when the 'big event' was. I was stunned. I acted like I didn't hear her and left the restroom, but I could feel the swell of hysteria bubbling up. I held it off until I left work and met my husband in a parking lot to switch cars, at which point I burst into tears and sobbed. The thing is, I can't be outraged. I can't be angry. There is no denying that the way I carry my weight makes me appear to be pregnant, so I can't exactly get mad at the woman for saying something that was just meant to show an interest.

Trouble is, I can't seem to get out of my funk. I couldn't sleep last night and today I'm under a black cloud, no matter how much I try to pull myself out of it. I didn't go to Curves today because I didn't have the energy, even though I logically know that if that's the stick I use to measure I'll never go back to Curves, because when I stop exercising my energy level drops off to nothing. And so my new task is to dredge up the energy to start yet again...

*sigh*

Checking In After a Long Silence

Date	10/12/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	N/A
Blood Pressure	N/A
Bust	43
Waist	39.5
Abdomen	44.5
Hips	50
Thighs	24
Arms	12.5
Weight	238
Body Fat	43.6%
BMI	39.6

I was shocked to see that I'd lost both weight and inches! Walking seems to have awakened my metabolism and even though I feel like I'm as big and flabby as ever, it seems that the scale and tape measure say differently! I'm really happy about that and I'm hoping to find inspiration in my success.

I'm thinking about what I eat and trying not to beat myself up too badly when I falter. I'm still staying up too late so that's my next goal, and I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the mental challenges of weight loss. I know I've said it before, but I really wish that Curves offered weight loss counseling.

On the Low End of the Cycle

I'm really fighting my self-sabotage. Well, I'm trying at least. If I'm honest, I'm not winning that battle all that often. I've reached the point where weight loss feels like an impossible slog and I'm getting rather self-destructive about it all: staying up late, eating too much, eating the wrong things, being sedentary instead of active, and I know where those things lead. Hell, I carry around 100 extra pounds thanks to making those choices for too many years.

It seems so impossible, so hopeless, and I'm tired of riding this roller coaster. Trouble is, I know what happens if I stop trying... it's all downhill from there. So what needs to happen?

1. Exercise every day, preferably more than once (walk, play EA Sports Active, go to Curves, play Wii Fit)
2. Brush the horses every day, weather permitting
3. Spend 60 minutes every day working on cleaning the house
4. Pause to think before eating
5. Eat when hungry and not until full
6. Go to bed by 11 most nights
7. Drink more water

That's where I plan to start.

Interesting Link

My husband sent me an interesting link that got me thinking.

Craving Research

I'm not sure my mind works this way, I seem to be pretty strongly influenced by hormones. When I'm PMS'ing I want to eat everything in site! But I'm going to give this a try and see if it has any affect.

Walking this morning

This morning I walked 13 laps, 1 warm-up, 2 laps of running the straights and walking the curves, and then 9 laps of interval training (walking fast 1 minute, then slow 30 seconds) thanks to the new Ironman watch that I got Saturday, then 1 lap of cool-down. I sure feel like I worked harder! My legs are warm and twitching in a way that makes me feel like I did something physically intense, and I'd forgotten how wonderful it feels!

Weigh-in

Today when I went to Curves I weighed myself and I have to say, I was very pleased... 244! Even as the little voice in the back of my mind mocks me for weighing such a ridiculous amount, I feel happy, I feel successful, and I'm not going to let that damned little voice break my stride. Saturday I got a watch with a lap and interval timer, so I'm looking forward to using it in the morning.

My relationship with food

My relationship with food is a convoluted topic. For so many years I denied being an emotional eater, I told myself that I could stop whenever I wanted to, and I subconsciously numbed myself with sugar. I've never been one to eat much fat, but a couple of years ago I read a book about sugar addiction and kept a food diary for all of a week or so and realized that I really was drugging myself with food. That doesn't mean I stopped doing it, that would be too easy, instead I used it as yet another thing to bludgeon myself with when I failed, when I indulged, and the cycle continued.

Something changed inside of me last weekend. Something shifted, something of the magnitude of a tectonic plate shifting, and I found myself looking at food calmly. It's not that I don't want to eat a dozen dark chocolate covered almonds, it's that I look at them as fuel and realize that they're an impure form, it's like putting chemical additives in my gas tank, which I do very hesitantly and with extreme caution. Why do I treat my car better than I treat myself? I wonder if my perception of food will shift back but I'm not pressuring myself about it. If I feel the old cravings cropping up I'm trying very hard to pull them into the forefront and examine them, then deal with them in a way that reflects my love for myself. I find myself drifting off to sleep whispering, "I love you", to myself, and it's strangely soothing. For so many years I've been incredibly self-absorbed by beating myself up, punishing myself for not being beautiful or being too fat; wanting to be a warm and loving person even as I lost myself in the vicious cycle of self-sabotage that put a thick layer of fat over my female form.

Three years ago I was 61 pounds thinner than I'd been in quite a few years, but even as I shed the weight my inner voice was taunting, "It won't last... you'll fail again, because you're a fat ass", and I had a strong fear reaction and suppressed it instead of looking it in the face and dealing with it. I'm sure there are many reasons I gained most of that weight back, but the moment that felt like the turning point happened when I visited my oldest son at the behavioral modification program we sent him to in Florida. He was away for a year and during that time I shed those pounds slowly and steadily, even as I spent more and more energy suppressing my self-sabotage. I took him to Subway and as we left he said, "Mom, that guy was totally checking you out". I remember it well... my mind skipped like a dull needle over a damaged album and a strange mix of feelings welled up inside of me: apprehension, doubt, fear, alarm... but the doubt wasn't about whether or not he was checking me out, it was about whether or not I deserved such attention. The dam broke, and suddenly I was back to my emotional-eating, self-sabotaging self, after having been the biggest loser on the wall of weight and inches lost in the Curves that I worked out in.

I realized this week that I don't have that niggling voice this time. I'm nurturing myself, loving myself, and if that voice pops up I take it in my arms like a crying child and hold it until it feels better.

Self-sabotage

Thursday I got up and walked and I went to Curves Monday, Wednesday, and Friday! I'm proud of myself, and this morning I'm blogging because I have ten extra minutes before I have to leave for my 4 Miler Training Program.

I've been having a lot of epiphanies lately, which is great, but it's taking a fair bit of work not to give in to my tendency to sabotage myself. I was sitting in Taco Bell watching my husband and son enjoy their food when I realized that I don't have to eat everything in front of me, so I didn't. That seems like such a simple realization, it's not like I haven't read it hundreds of time, heard it dozens of times, but for some reason I realized that it's true for ME.

I realized that the reason I struggle so much with thinking about what goes in my mouth is because I'm an emotional eater and sub-consciously I want the mellow, mindless feeling that eating sugar gives me. I haven't eaten more than four dark chocolate almonds in the past week and I feel great, strong, empowered, and best of all I don't feel like I'm depriving myself. I feel like I'm loving myself. In the past I've talked myself out of it with, "That's selfish, why are you so worthy of all of this concern?", but suddenly I realize why I'm worthy of it... because I am. There doesn't have to be a grand explanation, a mark on history to last the ages, I'm simply worth that to myself. In the past I made it about other people, "I want to see my grandchildren... I want to grow old with my husband", and those things are still true, but now I've added a new one, "I want to be healthy."

Strange that I waited until turning 40 to realize that I'm worth the effort of fitness, the time commitment, and suddenly I'm looking around and realizing that I've been asleep. The house is a shambles, the yard doesn't look like it belongs to someone who cares about it, and I realize that I've been drowning for six years and am only now surfacing. I've danced around that realization before but I've always pushed myself back under, avoided it, gone back to sleep... but not this time. This time I'm awakening and I want to embrace the day, I want to tackle the things that have been neglected and feel pride in my home again. I want my kids to be able to invite friends over without embarrassment.

I know that I'm a creature of cycles and I'm at the top of the arc right now. Having these words here when I'm on the downswing will hopefully help me to keep things in focus. I'm awake and I'm aware and I don't feel as if I'm clinging to that fact desperately, which hasn't happened in a decade.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Today I got up at 5:30 and went up to the high school track to walk! I'm all happy with myself, which is a wonderful feeling. I gave myself a pep talk when I got there and I got it done, and now I'm sitting here eating an apple feeling like an actual female, my thigh muscles twinging and warm, memories of feeling like a fat blob in my rear view mirror. I know I'll get there again, I'm not quite that much of an optimist, but I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to.

I went to the doctor yesterday and my pulse and blood pressure were great and I broke a barrier... I'm finally below 250! I weighed 248 :D I was giddy when I saw that! We even checked it on both scales, just to be sure, and when I checked it at Curves it measured a pound less. Last week I got measured at Curves, here are my measurements.

Date	7/29/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	N/A
Blood Pressure	N/A
Bust	45.5
Waist	43.75
Abdomen	51
Hips	54
Thighs	26
Arms	14
Weight	254
Body Fat	45.5%
BMI	42.3

When I got measured it took me a minute to get things into perspective, because I was so sure that I'd be under 250. I stood there looking at the paper, running things through my mind, noting that some of the numbers were smaller, and I realized that those numbers don't define me as a person. Sure, I want them smaller, hell, I want them MUCH smaller! But what's the point of whining and bingeing and defeating myself just because they're not what I want them to be? There isn't one, and when I'm craving something fattening I cling to that fact pretty tightly.

This morning I walked 10 laps, which is 2.5 miles. Here's what I did.

Date	8/4/09
Lap 1	warm-up
Lap 2	ran straights, walked curves
Lap 3	ran straights, walked curves
Lap 4	ran straights, walked curves
Lap 5	ran straights, walked curves
Lap 6	fast-walked straights, walked curves
Lap 7	fast-walked 1 straight & curve, walked 1 straight & curve
Lap 8	fast-walked 1 straight & curve, walked 1 straight & curve
Lap 9	fast-walked
Lap 10	cool down

I'm trying to be very careful with my joints, because logic says that running at this weight puts quite a strain on them, which I don't want to do.

I'm really trying to love myself more. When I eat I'm conscious of how much I'm eating and I'm asking myself if I'm really hungry, which has reduced my food intake by more than I would have thought possible. I'm not starving myself, I'm just eating reasonable portions. For example, my treat is dark chocolate covered almonds, I love them! I used to eat ten or twelve at a time, if I was even counting, and now I eat 6, and even 4 last night. I'm stopping when I've had a taste instead of filling up and it feels really good!

I also know myself, and I'm a very cyclical creature. I cycle with the seasons, with my period, I'm just wired that way, so I'm going to really try to come back and read posts like this when I'm a low point.

I hope everyone is finding success and loving themselves! Your comments are wonderful and make me feel like I'm not alone.

Women's 4 Miler Training Program

I'm so happy about my training diligence that I'm going to post about it! Yesterday's training regimen:

1st lap: walking warm-up
2nd lap: ran straights, walked curves
3rd lap: ran straights, walked curves
4th lap: fast-walked straights, walked curves
5th lap: ran straights, walked curves
6th lap: walking cool-down

I'm overdue to get measured at Curves, but I've been going to a different club and I want to get measured by the same person every time. I'm hoping to get that done this week and I'll post as soon as I do. I feel smaller, let's hope the numbers show it!

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to leave a comment, I really appreciate the encouragement.

Rough Day

Today I'm feeling sad.  I feel so bulbous and grotesque.  I feel disgusted at myself for being so lazy that I let this happen, and more than anything I just feel defeated.  Yesterday was an emotional day and I think it's because I'm facing what I've done to my body.  I'm facing the fact that even if I lose the weight, which will take years if I do it in a healthy way, my skin will never be right and my arms and legs will never be shapely.  I'm having a really hard time with my lack of self-esteem and my rage that I can't just fix this.  It's spilling over into other things.  I'm hiding out at work instead of getting involved in things, since one of my coworkers who was so vocal and over the top when I lost 61 pounds spent a month or so trying to figure out how to look me in the eye again when I gained most of it back.  Can I blame her?  No, I can't.  What do you say to someone who balloons back up and gets fat in places they weren't even carrying weight before?  If anyone figures that one out I'd love to know the answer.

Today I'm having a pity party and I guess that I figure dumping it all out here will help me to get over myself and go do what needs to be done.

Curves and Walking

Today I'm feeling good. Yesterday, however, was a different story. The path to no longer being obese is not a pleasant one, no matter how fluffy a face some TV personalities want to put on it. I've been going to Curves and even after missing once I went back, which is progress for me. I also started the Women's 4-Miler Training Program Saturday morning and I'm feeling good about that, even if one of my shoes was laced too tight and caused a sore foot. Before I continue, though, let me share what happened yesterday.

In every weight loss attempt I've struggled with my penchant for self-flagellation and it seems this one is going to be no different. I didn't sleep particularly well the night before and I'm not sure why, but when I got out of bed at about 9:30 I felt huge. My foot muscle was still sore and I was feeling every fat roll, every movement of extra rolls when I moved, every fold caused by loose skin... it was very unpleasant. Because of my dead thyroid gland (it's never worked in my life) I've had a built in excuse, "I have to work so much harder than everyone else!", and I've used it plenty of times. I still have pangs of anger when I think about the fact that my metabolism is slower because of that dead gland, but I'm not going to let that defeat me.

Yesterday was one of those days when I hated the fat that's layered on my body and wished that I could just take a scalpel and cut it all away because it's constant evidence of how weak and lazy I've been. Is that a true statement? It was yesterday. Today I can cushion it in less emotive terms and feel less intensely about it, but there's no denying the fact that I've been lazy. There's no denying the fact that I've eaten things that were flat out unhealthy for me and been fully aware of it as I did so. There is, however, the fact that I can't fix this immediately and need to give myself some time to make some changes. Even as I type that sentence there's an evil little voice in the back of my mind whispering, "You wouldn't be in this predicament if you weren't lazy and slovenly." I can't say that isn't true, but I can say that isn't going to control my life anymore.

I've been back at Curves for almost two months now and I have to say, I think they would be head and shoulders above everyone else if they'd offer weight loss counseling. I can't believe the mental olympics I go through to get myself in there and keep myself going, even to the point of having to pep talk myself into not skipping machines. Trouble is, that starts a vicious cycle of self-recriminations because I'm weak, fat, gross, pick-your-derogatory-term, and I'm struggling with that multiple times a day right now. This morning I got up and was going to go to work, but instead I put on exercise clothes and walked the high school track before work. I feel very good about having done so and I'm going to keep plugging along, hoping to one day see myself in a mirror and see an actual change in my many bulges and folds.

My first measurement and weigh-in

Today was my first measurement and weigh-in. I haven't missed a week of going three times, although due to the fact they were closed on Memorial Day I went an extra day without working out once. I'm really pleased with my progress and I'm trying very hard to be aware of my sabotaging tendencies that are whispering, "It can't last, just like last time you'll gain it all back.", so they don't gain any power over me.

Here are today's results:

Date	6/1/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	N/A
Blood Pressure	N/A
Bust	47.5
Waist	46
Abdomen	51
Hips	54.5
Thighs	26
Arms	14
Weight	258
Body Fat	45.4%
BMI	42.9

My emotions haven't been running as high lately, and I suspect that's partially because I've been more active. I'm trying to do something each day that makes me feel like I've accomplished something, such as watering the garden and hanging the laundry on the line. It's hard to believe just how inactive I'd become.

I read an article a few days ago about a man in England who used to be an underwear model and has gained something like 60 pounds so that he can better understand the situation his clients are in (he's a personal trainer now). I don't know why it surprised me when he said that he felt depressed, embarrassed about going out in public, lethargic, etc., but somehow that made me feel better about my struggles. I'm trying so hard not to defeat myself and it's getting easier to pass up fast food and the donut shop. When I have a craving I eat a couple of dark chocolate covered almonds. I'm not passing up dessert, but I'm managing my portions and so far so good.

Friday Update - Hormones?

Today hasn't been a red-letter day.  I got up a little late and talked myself into going to Curves, since I knew that with my son's dress rehearsal for his dance recital this afternoon I'd be hard-pressed to get there tonight.  It's annoying that they close from 1-3, but so far so good.  My 18 year old was a royal jerk this morning and I'm more than sick of his sense of entitlement and obnoxious behavior.  I sincerely wish that he'd just move out and get it over with, because at least then I wouldn't have to watch his selfish, immature behavior up close or take his abuse when he's feeling put-upon.  I wonder if I'm PMS'ing, because his behavior threw me off for the rest of the day and usually I'm not that sensitive.  I'm still struggling to pass the Dunkin' Donuts and eating more food than I need, but at least I'm trying to be conscious of what that food is.  I'm also listening to Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver and it's a great read.  I'm quite environmentally aware and books like hers inspire me.

I've resisted the urge to weigh myself at Curves, instead sticking to only looking at numbers once a month when I get measured.

Curves again

I went to Curves again.  I've decided not to take the Wellbutrin, I'm going to keep going to Curves and try to get through this on my own.  Today while I worked out I was thinking, "While I'm here, I'm going to do this right.", and I worked out with intent.  I was the only one there, so there wasn't any distraction from my thoughts.  When I walked out I felt more alive, more fluid, I was moving more easily, and I realized that I actually felt good.  Sure I'm still fat and I still have rolls of extra skin, but I felt like I was connected to my body, instead of trapped inside of it.  I'm going to hold onto that feeling and practice what I preach, being more aware and positive.

When I left Curves I went to the grocery store to pick up ingredients for Jeff's wonderful curry casserole, which he's promised to make tonight.  I bought some dark chocolate covered almonds because they seem like the healthiest treat I can eat and I resisted so many things that I often struggle with.

A Bump in the Road

Today I'm really feeling the effects of the Wellbutrin.  I'm sluggish and sleepy and I need to stop taking it.  I'm going to try to go to Curves and get through this without medication.  Today's big issue was craving sweets.  There's a Dunkin' Donuts on my way home from work and every day I fight with myself, almost literally, not to stop there.  So far I've won, but when I picked up my son he was starving so I stopped at the gas mart near his after-school care and he picked out a big bag of M&M's.  I knew as I told him he could have it that I was going to eat some.  I could make excuses, but I simply wanted them.  On the way home I ate about half of a 9.5 ounce bag which is a shocking amount of calories, I'm certain.  I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm going to try very hard not to beat myself up like I have in the past, because that just leads to more back-sliding.

One Week

It's been a week since I went back to Curves. I went Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and again today, although today I had to force myself to go. It feels insurmountable, as if nothing I do will make an appreciable difference, so I'm coming at it from the approach of improving my health. I'm going to sign up for the Women's 4 Miler Training Program tonight because I need to find other things to do for exercise. There are so many reasons that I need to exercise regularly and over the last week a couple of major reasons have come to light. I'm more conscious of the extra weight and as it gets warmer the discomfort of having overlapping skin is becoming more obvious, although I think the worst thing of all is that I can't properly reach my own behind to wipe it. It's a horrible feeling, especially considering that I clearly remember when I didn't have this problem. When I gained back the 61 pounds I'd lost I put weight on in places that had never been heavy. When something as fundamental as using the restroom becomes a chore it's definitely time to do something!

Another New Beginning

My struggle with my weight has gotten worse as I've gotten older, which happens to so many women. I have a complicating factor, though... I was born with a dead thyroid gland. My weight has always been an issue, or more to the point that I gain it very easily if I'm not really active. I used to ride horses and that kept me strong and muscular, even as a padding of fat appeared over top of it. A couple of years ago, though, I discovered that I have a bulging disc and gave up riding because of the risk of rupturing that disc.

Part of my weight problem, though, is my tendency to self-sabotage. I can talk myself out of doing exercise, I can make excuses like a pro, and when the rubber hits the road I can disconnect my logical mind and do what feels good, even as I loathe myself for my weakness. I wonder if this happens to others. The only real exposure I have to people in similar situations weight-wise is at work, where it seems pretty inappropriate to bring the topic up.

In 2004 I joined Curves when it opened in the small town where I live and over the next year and a half, I went from weighing 273 pounds to weighing 212, a 61 pound loss. I had a workout partner during most of it, but she quit about the time that my hands started feeling as if they were being crushed due to nerve that was being pinched by my bulging disc.

This Monday I returned to Curves. On Wednesday I was measured and my measurements were:

Date	5/6/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	81
Blood Pressure	116/82
Bust	49
Waist	49.5
Abdomen	55.5
Hips	56.5
Thighs	26
Arms	14
Weight	266
Body Fat	46.3%
BMI	44.3

I'm going to post my results each month when I get weighed and measured, and I'm also going to share how I'm feeling about this process as I go through it. Over the last couple of days I've had to literally argue with myself about driving past fast food and gas stations, to the point that I've found myself in tears a couple of times. Part of me desperately wants to sabotage this again, to chalk it up to my dead thyroid and sit on my butt and eat myself to death. I was in the grocery store and saw a magazine cover with Kirstie Alley on it and they were making a huge deal of her being so huge at 238. I almost cried right there in the grocery store. I'm not sure why this process is so emotional for me, but I suspect it's because it stirs up deep-seated insecurities.

This begins my chronicle of trying again.