Doing a Lot of Thinking

Watching Ruby (http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp) has me thinking about my weight quite a bit more than I have in a while. For a very long time I've thought about it only when something bothered me, when I noticed that I was large and cumbersome, or when something was hurting, but watching that show has me thinking about all of the excuses that I make and how lazy I am. I really don't want to get up and do anything and I'm really good at defeating myself. I had a doctor's appointment for chest pain on the right side yesterday and she said she thinks it's from stress and prescribed Wellbutrin. I'm not at all pleased about being medicated, but something has to give. I found out that I didn't gain any weight over the holidays which is good, but when the scale reads 274 there's nothing to celebrate. My highest recorded weight was 276 so I'm feeling pretty low these days, but that number won't change unless I make the effort, so I'm moving in that direction. Today my husband found a book called Savor, Mindful Eating, Mindful Life by Thich Nhat Hanh and I'm looking forward to reading it. The thing is, I've read many, many great books, it's the implementation that I fail at.

Food Journal

I can't find the journal I bought to keep track of my meals, so I'm going to post them until I find it. Today I had a sandwich for breakfast, two slices of thin sunflower wheat bread from BreadWorks, two slices of Tofurkey hickory-smoked faux turkey, and about a tablespoon of honey mustard dressing. I ate a red pear for a snack. For lunch I'm going to eat a handful of chips and some homemade guacamole. I drink tea with turbinado sugar. I'm trying to make sure I'm not thirsty when I feel hungry because I read that those two signals can get confused. I'm trying to stay in a good mental place about doing this, about changing the way I interact with food, because I know that I'm using it to numb myself.

It's been two years...

It sure doesn't feel like it's been that long! I spent the last year making excuses and resenting my husband. I've been watching documentaries and TV shows and I'm feeling inspired again. My very favorite is Ruby. I don't know what network it's on, I'm watching it on Netflix, but I recognize so much of her struggle and I'm trying to find my way back to being in a healthy place. It's so scary. I'm terrified that I'll start and stop again, like I have over and over, but if I don't start again I can't succeed! This is the beginning of yet another attempt. I'm going to find my food journal and lovingly work on myself, on making my body healthy, and on finding that happy person I knew when I thought I'd conquered my abusive childhood and found a loving relationship, and built the wonderful life I always wanted for myself. I have to say that I think 'happily ever after' movies are insidious and destructive. There's no such thing, life is ups and downs, achievements and failures, and it's that way from the beginning to the end. Yes, I had a wonderful period in my life when everything seemed to be going in the 'right' direction, but the fact that my life hit a bump doesn't mean that I'm a loser, it doesn't mean that my abusive childhood won, it means that I'm a human being just like everyone else. It means that I need to take responsibility for myself and make sure that I'm being true to myself and that I'm being the person I truly am at all times. The person I am isn't buried in 100 pounds of fat, and whether she's buried or not, she's worthy of love.