It's been two years...

It sure doesn't feel like it's been that long! I spent the last year making excuses and resenting my husband. I've been watching documentaries and TV shows and I'm feeling inspired again. My very favorite is Ruby. I don't know what network it's on, I'm watching it on Netflix, but I recognize so much of her struggle and I'm trying to find my way back to being in a healthy place. It's so scary. I'm terrified that I'll start and stop again, like I have over and over, but if I don't start again I can't succeed! This is the beginning of yet another attempt. I'm going to find my food journal and lovingly work on myself, on making my body healthy, and on finding that happy person I knew when I thought I'd conquered my abusive childhood and found a loving relationship, and built the wonderful life I always wanted for myself. I have to say that I think 'happily ever after' movies are insidious and destructive. There's no such thing, life is ups and downs, achievements and failures, and it's that way from the beginning to the end. Yes, I had a wonderful period in my life when everything seemed to be going in the 'right' direction, but the fact that my life hit a bump doesn't mean that I'm a loser, it doesn't mean that my abusive childhood won, it means that I'm a human being just like everyone else. It means that I need to take responsibility for myself and make sure that I'm being true to myself and that I'm being the person I truly am at all times. The person I am isn't buried in 100 pounds of fat, and whether she's buried or not, she's worthy of love.