Friday Update - Hormones?

Today hasn't been a red-letter day.  I got up a little late and talked myself into going to Curves, since I knew that with my son's dress rehearsal for his dance recital this afternoon I'd be hard-pressed to get there tonight.  It's annoying that they close from 1-3, but so far so good.  My 18 year old was a royal jerk this morning and I'm more than sick of his sense of entitlement and obnoxious behavior.  I sincerely wish that he'd just move out and get it over with, because at least then I wouldn't have to watch his selfish, immature behavior up close or take his abuse when he's feeling put-upon.  I wonder if I'm PMS'ing, because his behavior threw me off for the rest of the day and usually I'm not that sensitive.  I'm still struggling to pass the Dunkin' Donuts and eating more food than I need, but at least I'm trying to be conscious of what that food is.  I'm also listening to Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver and it's a great read.  I'm quite environmentally aware and books like hers inspire me.

I've resisted the urge to weigh myself at Curves, instead sticking to only looking at numbers once a month when I get measured.

Curves again

I went to Curves again.  I've decided not to take the Wellbutrin, I'm going to keep going to Curves and try to get through this on my own.  Today while I worked out I was thinking, "While I'm here, I'm going to do this right.", and I worked out with intent.  I was the only one there, so there wasn't any distraction from my thoughts.  When I walked out I felt more alive, more fluid, I was moving more easily, and I realized that I actually felt good.  Sure I'm still fat and I still have rolls of extra skin, but I felt like I was connected to my body, instead of trapped inside of it.  I'm going to hold onto that feeling and practice what I preach, being more aware and positive.

When I left Curves I went to the grocery store to pick up ingredients for Jeff's wonderful curry casserole, which he's promised to make tonight.  I bought some dark chocolate covered almonds because they seem like the healthiest treat I can eat and I resisted so many things that I often struggle with.

A Bump in the Road

Today I'm really feeling the effects of the Wellbutrin.  I'm sluggish and sleepy and I need to stop taking it.  I'm going to try to go to Curves and get through this without medication.  Today's big issue was craving sweets.  There's a Dunkin' Donuts on my way home from work and every day I fight with myself, almost literally, not to stop there.  So far I've won, but when I picked up my son he was starving so I stopped at the gas mart near his after-school care and he picked out a big bag of M&M's.  I knew as I told him he could have it that I was going to eat some.  I could make excuses, but I simply wanted them.  On the way home I ate about half of a 9.5 ounce bag which is a shocking amount of calories, I'm certain.  I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm going to try very hard not to beat myself up like I have in the past, because that just leads to more back-sliding.

One Week

It's been a week since I went back to Curves. I went Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and again today, although today I had to force myself to go. It feels insurmountable, as if nothing I do will make an appreciable difference, so I'm coming at it from the approach of improving my health. I'm going to sign up for the Women's 4 Miler Training Program tonight because I need to find other things to do for exercise. There are so many reasons that I need to exercise regularly and over the last week a couple of major reasons have come to light. I'm more conscious of the extra weight and as it gets warmer the discomfort of having overlapping skin is becoming more obvious, although I think the worst thing of all is that I can't properly reach my own behind to wipe it. It's a horrible feeling, especially considering that I clearly remember when I didn't have this problem. When I gained back the 61 pounds I'd lost I put weight on in places that had never been heavy. When something as fundamental as using the restroom becomes a chore it's definitely time to do something!

Another New Beginning

My struggle with my weight has gotten worse as I've gotten older, which happens to so many women. I have a complicating factor, though... I was born with a dead thyroid gland. My weight has always been an issue, or more to the point that I gain it very easily if I'm not really active. I used to ride horses and that kept me strong and muscular, even as a padding of fat appeared over top of it. A couple of years ago, though, I discovered that I have a bulging disc and gave up riding because of the risk of rupturing that disc.

Part of my weight problem, though, is my tendency to self-sabotage. I can talk myself out of doing exercise, I can make excuses like a pro, and when the rubber hits the road I can disconnect my logical mind and do what feels good, even as I loathe myself for my weakness. I wonder if this happens to others. The only real exposure I have to people in similar situations weight-wise is at work, where it seems pretty inappropriate to bring the topic up.

In 2004 I joined Curves when it opened in the small town where I live and over the next year and a half, I went from weighing 273 pounds to weighing 212, a 61 pound loss. I had a workout partner during most of it, but she quit about the time that my hands started feeling as if they were being crushed due to nerve that was being pinched by my bulging disc.

This Monday I returned to Curves. On Wednesday I was measured and my measurements were:

Date	5/6/09
Pre-Workout Heart Rate	81
Blood Pressure	116/82
Bust	49
Waist	49.5
Abdomen	55.5
Hips	56.5
Thighs	26
Arms	14
Weight	266
Body Fat	46.3%
BMI	44.3

I'm going to post my results each month when I get weighed and measured, and I'm also going to share how I'm feeling about this process as I go through it. Over the last couple of days I've had to literally argue with myself about driving past fast food and gas stations, to the point that I've found myself in tears a couple of times. Part of me desperately wants to sabotage this again, to chalk it up to my dead thyroid and sit on my butt and eat myself to death. I was in the grocery store and saw a magazine cover with Kirstie Alley on it and they were making a huge deal of her being so huge at 238. I almost cried right there in the grocery store. I'm not sure why this process is so emotional for me, but I suspect it's because it stirs up deep-seated insecurities.

This begins my chronicle of trying again.